Comedy Fusion
by Terra Evans
Summary: A collection of short stories by me! Mostly humor of angst - kinda.
1. Daddy's Little

Okay, there's some things you have to know about this fic. Ikuko was married before Kenji and had Usagi. Kenji was married to someone else before Ikuko and had Sammy. End there. This story takes place when Usagi's about seven years old. They haven't met Kenji, and won't ever in this story. I felt compelled to right this when I read an e-mail. If you like the poem, you may take it. It doesn't belong to me, and I don't know who wrote it, but they did an excellent job.  
  
On with the story.  
  
// = the poetry  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
/Her hair was up in a pony tail,  
  
her favorite dress tied with a bow.  
  
Today was Daddy's Day at school,  
  
and she couldn't wait to go./  
  
  
  
Usagi Stevens had her long blonde hair pulled up into a ponytail, wanting to go for a change for this special day. She wore her favorite pink dress with a thick white band of fabric tied in a bow around her. She wore her favorite dress shoes - tiny pink shoes with a one inch heel on them with little rabbit faces on the side. Today was a day only celebrated once in the school year - Daddy's Day - and she couldn't wait to go.  
  
/But her mommy tried to tell her  
  
that she probably should stay home.  
  
Why the kids might not understand,  
  
if she went to school alone./  
  
"Are you sure, Bunny?" Ikuko Stevens asked her little girl worriedly. "You should probably stay home, they won't understand why Daddy isn't there with you..."  
  
"It's okay, Mummy." Usagi smiled. "I know what I want to do."  
  
/But she was not afraid;  
  
she knew just what to say.  
  
What to tell her classmates  
  
of why he wasn't there today./  
  
Usagi hugged her mother. Ikuko smiled and hugged in return, small tears gathering in her eyes at how brave Usagi was.  
  
/But still her mother worried,  
  
for her to face this day alone.  
  
And that was why once again,  
  
she tried to keep her daughter home./  
  
"Are you positive, Usagi darling?" Ikuko asked again. Usagi bobbed her head yes. "Okay, but I'm going to go with you. I don't want you to face this day alone."  
  
/But the little girl went to school,  
  
eager to tell them all.  
  
About a dad she never see  
  
a dad who never calls./  
  
The two rode in silence to school and they walked into the classroom.  
  
/There were daddies along the wall in back,  
  
for everyone to meet.  
  
Children squirming impatiently,  
  
anxious in their seats./  
  
Ikuko went and stood in the back where all the other fathers stood. Some looked weirdly at her, others glared, some were just indifferent. The children squirmed in excitement at the prospect of tell the class all about their daddies.  
  
/One by one the teacher called,  
  
a student from the class.  
  
To introduce their daddy  
  
as seconds slowly passed./  
  
The teacher quickly took roll call, then started to call up the students and their daddies.  
  
/At last the teacher called her name,  
  
every child turned to stare.  
  
Each of them was searching,  
  
for a man who wasn't there./  
  
"Usagi Stevens, can you come up here please?" The teacher asked. Usagi stood and walked to the front of the class, alone. The students turned to look around for the daddy that wasn't there.  
  
/Where's her daddy at?"  
  
she heard a boy call out.  
  
"She probably doesn't have one,"  
  
another student dared to shout./  
  
The student started to make up ideas as to why Usagi's father wasn't there. Ikuko was ready to run up to her Usa as soon as she saw the tears forming, but Usagi shook her head at her to stay.  
  
/And from somewhere near the back,  
  
she heard a daddy say,  
  
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,  
  
too busy to waste his day."/  
  
Ikuko glared at the man as he said the derogatory things about her husband.  
  
/The words did not offend her,  
  
as she smiled up at her Mom.  
  
And looked back at her teacher,  
  
who told her to go on.  
  
And with hands behind her back,  
  
slowly she began to speak.  
  
And out from the mouth of a child,  
  
came words incredibly unique./  
  
  
  
Usagi shook her head at the man's narrow minded opinion. The words he sad did not offend her in the least, but she worried about her mum. Usagi smiled at her mother, then turned towards the teacher.  
  
"Go on," The teacher smiled. Usagi nodded, and grasped her hands behind her back. Usagi opened her mouth and started to speak the words she had practiced late into the night.  
  
/"My Daddy couldn't be here,  
  
because he lives so far away.  
  
But I know he wishes he could be,  
  
since this is such a special day.  
  
And though you cannot meet him,  
  
I wanted you to know.  
  
All about my daddy,  
  
and how much he loves me so.  
  
He loved to tell me stories  
  
he taught me to ride my bike.  
  
He surprised me with pink roses,  
  
and taught me to fly a kite.  
  
We used to share fudge sundaes,  
  
and ice cream in a cone.  
  
And though you cannot see him,  
  
I'm not standing here alone.  
  
'Cause my daddy's always with me,  
  
even though we are apart  
  
I know because he told me,  
  
he'll forever be in my heart."/  
  
/With that, her little hand reached up,  
  
and lay across her chest.  
  
Feeling her own heartbeat,  
  
beneath her favorite dress./  
  
Usagi reached up and put her hand over her heart, feeling it beat beneath her favorite dress.  
  
/And from somewhere in the crowd of dads  
  
her mother stood in tears.  
  
Proudly watching her daughter,  
  
who was wise beyond her years.  
  
For she stood up for the love  
  
of a man not in her life.  
  
Doing what was best for her,  
  
doing what was right./  
  
  
  
Ikuko felt tears running down her face at her daughter's words. She hadn't know about Usagi's plan, and it had surprised her. But she was so proud of her daughter, so proud.  
  
And when she dropped her hand back down,  
  
staring straight into the crowd.  
  
She finished with a voice so soft,  
  
but its message clear and loud.  
  
Usagi dropped her hand from her heart, staring into the crowd for her mother. Seeing her, Usagi opened her mouth again, speaking soft words.  
  
/"I love my daddy very much,  
  
he's my shining star.  
  
And if he could, he'd be here,  
  
but heaven's just too far  
  
You see he was a fireman  
  
and died just this past year  
  
When airplanes hit the towers  
  
and taught Americans to fear.  
  
But sometimes when I close my eyes,  
  
it's like he never went away."  
  
And then she closed her eyes,  
  
and saw him there that day./  
  
Usagi closed her eyes slowly, imagining her father - her father, with her blonde hair and cheerful smile - standing next to her with his hand on her shoulder.  
  
/And to her mother's amazement,  
  
she witnessed with surprise.  
  
A room full of daddies and children,  
  
all starting to close their eyes./  
  
Ikuko watched as the children and adults in the room closed their eyes, some with tears on their faces.  
  
/Who knows what they saw before them,  
  
who knows what they felt inside.  
  
Perhaps for merely a second,  
  
they saw him at her side./  
  
Usagi opened her mouth.  
  
/"I know you're with me Daddy,"  
  
to the silence she called out.  
  
And what happened next made believers,  
  
of those once filled with doubt.  
  
  
  
Not one in that room could explain it,  
  
for each of their eyes had been closed.  
  
But there on the desk beside her,  
  
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.  
  
  
  
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,  
  
by the love of her shining bright star.  
  
And given the gift of believing,  
  
that heaven is never too far./  
  
Usagi stopped speaking, staring with tears running down her face at the long stemmed pink rose. A sob rose in her throat, and Ikuko was at her side in an instant, holding her sobbing daughter to her shoulder and rocking her to and fro. Ikuko tilted Usagi's head up and made her look into her eyes.  
  
"I am very proud of you Usagi, and so is your Daddy. Never forget that. We both love you very, very much." Ikuko said. Usagi nodded, and sobbed harder. The teacher, with tears in her eyes, stood.  
  
"Mrs. Stevens, you may take your daughter home if you wish. I am allowing this once; because of the bravery she showed to do this." The teacher smiled through her tears. "Usagi, you are a very special girl."  
  
Ikuko picked up Usagi, and then to walked to the car. They drove home, thinking about the man who couldn't be there ever again physically, but will always remain in their hearts. 


	2. Voldemort In Hell

When Voldemort Finally Goes To Hell  
  
  
  
Tom Marvelo Riddle, otherwise known as Voldemort, sat staring idly at the bloody skull walls of his prison in hell. Everything was red - the walls, the floor, even the god damned ceiling. And Voldemort was pissed.  
  
*Extremely* pissed.  
  
'How in a snowballs chance in Hell did that boy defeat *me*!!??!!??!!' Voldemort whined mentally. 'I mean, I *am* the most profound Dark Lord of this century!!!!'  
  
"Get OVER it, Voldy!" A young woman yelled from the cell nexted his. This woman just so happened to be a tellepathic and had heard his mental complaints.  
  
"I will as soon as you get that stick out of your ass, Ravenclaw!!!"  
  
Yes, that is right, my dear friends. The founders of Hogwarts have been sent to Hell. As they said - "We'll just stuck in the damn cell because God doesn't want me and Lucifer (the devil) is afraid we'll take over."  
  
"You are so lame, Voldy!" Rowena Ravenclaw screamed over the wall. "I mean, calling yourself Salazaar's heir! Really! He didn't *have* children! By my house, he was *castrated*!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Voldemort sweatdropped.  
  
"I should know! I was his FIRST WIFE!!!!!!!" Rowena yelled shrilly to the man across the hall. The man rolled his eyes dark green eyes and his silvery blonde hair fell into his sharp face.  
  
"Give it *up* Rowena, I have no feeling for your nonsense." Salazaar answered. Rowena fumed.  
  
"Go suck yourself." She snapped. Salazaar grimaced at the double-edged insult. They had been casting voice deepening charms on him all his life because of his.....inability.  
  
"Rowena, stop aggravating Salazaar." Godric Gryffindor sighed. His brownish black hair and red/gold eyes gazed at Rowena, and she sighed in defeat. Suddenly, Godric was hit upside the head with a snowball.  
  
"How the HELL is there a snoball in here?" Godric asked calmly, despite his wet exterior. The founders looked towards Helga Hufflepuff, who was busy conjuring unmeltable snowballs. Helga smiled charmingly and tossed another at Godric head. Salazaar was hit by a stray in the War of the Snowballs.  
  
"How did *I* get stuck with these lunatics?" Voldemort asked to the bloody wall. The skulls only laughed maniacal laughter at his despense. 


	3. And Then

Haruka, Michiru, and Hotaru pulled up next to a drive through Chinese restraunt. (Sitting at the take - out counter is Setsuna, coughin incessantly from her cold.) Haruka rolled down the window to her golden yellow Ferrari/Convertible.  
  
"I -" (*cough* *cough*) "I mean *we* would like one order of wanton soup, fried rice - large please - and an order of egg rolls." Haruka stated.  
  
"And then..." said a grouchy voice from the intercom (*static- y), a.k.a sick Setsuna.  
  
"Uh...and beef and noodles?"  
  
"And then...."  
  
"And some soy sauce...." Haruka trailed.  
  
"And then..." This time, a sleazy tone appeared in the voice, and the words were spoken very fast.  
  
"And then I'll hit you so hard your speaker here will be kissin' your ass!" Screamed Haruka.  
  
"HARUKA TENOH!!!!!!"  
  
"(*whimper*) Sorry Michi..."  
  
"And then...."  
  
"Screw you."  
  
"Get bent - And then...." In the take - out box, Setsuna was carefully putting another cassette in the recorder box with a new tempo.  
  
"Alright, c'mon, I'll take you on!!!!" Haruka growled. "C'mon, I *dare* you to say it...."  
  
"Andthenandthenandthenandthenandthen - "  
  
Haruka lunged. The speaker was ripped out of its holder with in seconds, and Haruka was shaking it back and forth like a vengeful maniac as the sleazy voice continued its rant -  
  
"ANDTHENANDTHENANDTHENANDTHENANDTHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Four hours later....  
  
Setsuna calmly closed the front door, and stared at the blonde laying on the couch with a cloth over her eyes.  
  
"How was your day?" She asked.  
  
"Fine." Was the curt reply.  
  
"And then...." Setsuna smiled evilly. 


	4. Conversations

*Babs: Janie's Got A Gun...  
  
*CCD: I don't see one gun - I see two!  
  
CCD: You sick minded people took that the worng way!  
  
Babs: You wrote it wrong.  
  
CCD: Live with it.  
  
Babs: Go away.  
  
CCD: NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: Not funny.  
  
CCD: and eggs...  
  
Babs: You are so weird.  
  
CCD: and ham...  
  
Babs: Bonkers, that's what you are.  
  
CCD: and sausage...  
  
Babs: Okay, that's ENOUGH!  
  
CCD: YOU ARE SO MEAN!!!!!!!!! (*wails*)  
  
Babs: You lie like a rug!  
  
CCD: You mean like Sam?  
  
Babs: Not *on* a rug! Like a rug, nitwit!  
  
CCD: Oh...MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: So very, very weird.  
  
CCD: I know.  
  
Babs: Drop dead.  
  
CCD: Not possible.  
  
Babs: Hit by a train?  
  
CCD: We aren't near the tracks...  
  
Babs: We'll get there soon enough.  
  
CCD: SHUT UP!!!! You don't wanna kill *me*! (pause) Do you?  
  
Babs: (silence)  
  
CCD: Babs?  
  
Babs: (silence)  
  
CCD: Brit?  
  
Babs: (silence with little choking noises)  
  
CCD: BRITTNI?!?!?!?!?  
  
Babs: (full blown laughter)  
  
CCD: Nutcase.  
  
Babs: Your face -  
  
CCD: Your's too!  
  
Babs: - was to funny!  
  
CCD: Weirdo.  
  
Babs: And I'm (drawl) proud of it!  
  
CCD: How do I live with you?  
  
Babs: Don't know - I don't live with you.  
  
CCD: Do you have a sensible answer to *anything* I say?  
  
Babs: Yeah.  
  
CCD: When?  
  
Babs: Just now.  
  
CCD: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: (laughter)  
  
CCD: (glares)  
  
Babs: You have a DG!  
  
CCD: DG...?  
  
Babs: Death Glare! Get it?  
  
CCD: (glare...grumble, grumble)  
  
Babs: Ever hear that saying - "Give me liberty, or give me -"  
  
CCD: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! (lunge)  
  
Babs: (gasp) Wrong (gasp) word (gurgle)  
  
CCD: I (shake) DON'T (shakes harder) CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: (choking noises)  
  
*BSH: (puls CCD off of Babs)  
  
Babs: AIR!!!! BEAUTIFUL AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CCD: SHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: Die? Wy? Hey - I rhymed!  
  
CCD: Idiot.  
  
Babs: Duh...  
  
CCD: I rest my case.  
  
Babs: What case? You aren't carrying a case.  
  
CCD: Grrrr.....  
  
BSH: COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CCD: WE AREN'T ON TV!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: Then what is that camera over there?  
  
CCD: Shut UP Brittni!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Babs: I will if you will.  
  
CCD: How about I not and say I did?  
  
Babs: Not gunna work.  
  
CCD: Darn.  
  
#2  
  
*SMWB: Can I have the time?  
  
Babs: You can't handle the time! You can't even control it! It *BELONGS* to me!!!  
  
*SWWB: Weirdos....  
  
#3  
  
CCD: I mean, why even come to school?  
  
Babs: I get my psycho therapy here...  
  
CCD: Whatever....  
  
#4  
  
Babs: Ah, yes...Zelda - The place of the pissed off, yet totally sexy chicks, humping mummies, and sages that REALLY need some caffine....how could I have forsaken thee?  
  
#5  
  
CCD: Who is SNB?  
  
Babs: Not *who* - what.  
  
CCD: Okay, *what* is SNB?  
  
Babs: Spastic Nature Bird.  
  
CCD: I don't wanna know.... 


	5. Wazzup?

ChibiUsa fell back. Her communicator fell to the ground only a few feet away. A youma picked it up and sniffed at it. His sharp claw hit the 'on' button. Static, then an urgent 'Hello?' from another senshi, Makoto.  
  
The youma sniffed at it again then spoke into it. "Wazzuuup?!"  
  
"Hey, man. Wazzuup wid you?!" Makoto replied, then yelled into the background. "Hey, Minako! Pick up your communicator!"  
  
"Hello?" Minako asked as she turned the communicator on.  
  
"Wazzuuup?!" The youma asked.  
  
"Hey! WAZZUP!" was the answer.  
  
"Hey, Haruka, pick it up."  
  
"Wazzzup?!!" the blonde yelled.  
  
"Wazzuuup?!"  
  
"WAZZUP!"  
  
"Wazzuup?!" Haruka handed her communicator over to Michiru.  
  
"Waaah-zuuup?!!"  
  
"Wazzuuup!"  
  
"WAZZUP!!"  
  
"Wazzuup?!" Rei picked her communicator up to call a team meeting. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey! WAZZUP?"  
  
"Wazzzup and Waaah-zuuup?!!"  
  
"Wazzzup!"  
  
"Wazzuup!!"  
  
"Oh. Hey! Waaaaaaaazzuuuuuup?!!!"  
  
"Aight. Michiru and I have to go. Bye, hommies." Haruka and Michiru hung up.  
  
"Yea. See you all at Drug Dealers Anonymous next weeks, peeps." Makoto hung up, too. And the others soon followed.  
  
And thus, in this, the only lesson that can be learned is that 'wazzup!' is a way of life. So next time you, yes you, see your crush, start a conversation. Use WAZZUP!!  
  
***** Eeek! Don't hurt me!! Not meant to be offensive in any way. Soo..I hope you don't think it is. ^^ 


End file.
